


You make it easier (when life gets hard)

by Jecari



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hospitals, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22478890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari
Summary: “I know you’re awake.”His best friend is standing inches away from the bed, arms crossed over his chest, looking right into his eyes.“Were you watching me sleep?”Eddie’s blush is the only answer Buck needs.Or 5 times Buck wakes up with Eddie by his side + 1 time Eddie does
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 31
Kudos: 702
Collections: 9-1-1 Server Gift Exchange 2019





	You make it easier (when life gets hard)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smartbuckley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/gifts).



> I hope you like it. ♥

1.

Buck’s eyes flutter open, revealing a world of blurred confusion. Around him, everything moves too swiftly and too slowly at once, going in and out of focus so randomly it makes his head spin. His stomach jumps in his throat and his eyelids are so heavy he closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath through his nose. Letting the air out through his mouth, he focuses on the steady beeping echoing in his ears, distant yet soothing. He forces himself to breathe slowly and deeply, pushing the panic away and tries to remember. But his brain is slow and foggy, empty.

“Buck?” The female voice calling his name is familiar but for a second, Buck doesn’t recognize it. He knows he should, but he can’t. “Are you with us?”

Although Buck opens his mouth to reply, he doesn’t hear his voice. His mouth is dry and his throat tight. He tries to nod instead but he can’t move his head, so he just opens his eyes again. When he does, he’s met with fuzzy faces he can’t put a name yet looking down at him, features drawn in concern.

“Hey,” the woman smiles down at him, and Buck recognizes her: Hen.

“W– W…” Buck tries but words stay stuck in his throat.

Hen hesitates, looking up at the man sitting on the other side of the stretcher. Buck’s gaze follows her and beautiful hazel eyes meet his. Eddie…

“Yeah,” his friend smiles and Buck realizes he said his name out loud, “I’m here.”

“Where–” Buck swallows painfully. His mouth is so dry and his throat is so tight.

“You’re in the back of the ambulance,” Eddie announces. He keeps talking but Buck doesn’t hear him anymore.

The steady beeping is now loud and clear in his ears, sharp and frantic. As frenzied as his heartbeat. His chest rises, then falls rapidly as the air burning his nose struggles to fill his lungs. While Buck fights to breathe, tears gather at the corner of his eyes. He can’t stop them from drenching his cheeks. He remembers. He remembers the explosion, the agony, and the helplessness as his leg broke under the weight of the firetruck. He remembers everything vividly as if he’s still stuck there.

“Buck… you need to calm down.” Eddie’s voice is soft and soothing and that’s when Buck notices it. The warm hand holding his own– strong fingers pressed on his skin. “It’s going to be okay.”

As much as he wants to believe his friend, he can’t. He’s not sure about the extent of his injuries because he can’t feel his leg anymore. For all he knows, he could never be able to walk again. He could lose his leg.

“You’re going to be okay,” Eddie adds, like a promise.

If the cervical collar wasn’t stopping him from moving his head, he would have shaken it. Instead, he squeezes Eddie’s hand harder. The man squeezes it back, firm yet gentle, as his thumb caresses his skin in a calming gesture.

With each stroke, Buck’s chest feels less and less heavy. Panic slowly fades and air fills his burning lungs but it’s a relief anyway. Soon, Buck can breathe again but tears still flood his face no matter how hard he tries to hold them back. He blinks and looks up at the ceiling of the ambulance, his teeth clenched and lips sealed to stop the desperate sobs roaring in his throat from slipping out.

Suddenly, Eddie’s face is a few inches above his. His hazel eyes are shining with unshod tears and worry as the hand not holding Buck’s reaches for his face. It rests on his soaked cheek, warm and comforting, and caresses it with the thumb. Fresh tears instantly replace the ones his friend wipes away. Buck loses himself in the man’s eyes, so beautiful and gentle. Holding onto his gaze as he would hold onto a lifeline because right now, they are the only thing– besides Eddie’s touch– stopping him from losing his mind.

Eddie’s jaw sets and the tense muscle moves as he swallows, air catching in his throat. “You’re going to be okay,” he repeats, both hands still touching Buck, who thinks his friend is trying to convince himself as much as him.

Buck tries to smile at him, to reassure him, but his trembling lips quirk down. He wants to be strong. For Hen who’s still looking at him with a worried frown, for Eddie who holds his hand and wipes away his tears, for everyone. But he’s tired and weak, and hopelessness settles in his head and heart. There’s a little voice in the back of his mind telling him that his life is over, whether he dies tonight or not. 

That feeling stays with him for hours. When he wakes up in a hospital bed after surgery and Carla tells him he’s going to walk again, when Maddie enters the room and smiles at him, and when Ali kisses him and lulls him back to sleep with sweet words, the little voice in his head doesn’t stop. He tries to be grateful for being alive and being able to walk again, but all he can think about is his work. If he can’t work anymore, if he can’t be a fireman anymore… He might as well be–

“Buckaroo!” Chimney’s voices stop his train of thoughts just in time.

His friend is smiling his usual infectious smile as he enters the hospital room and Buck can’t help but smile too. The man quickly crosses the room to stand by his side and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, gently pressing it. Hen comes in next, smiling too as she stands on his other side and presses a kiss on his head.

“How are you feeling?” She asks, while Bobby comes in, followed by Eddie. Soon, Buck is surrounded by his team. His family.

“I’m okay,” Buck shrugs, “I haven’t seen the doctor yet, but Carla said I’ll walk again,” he smiles at the woman before looking at Eddie and the captain.

The former smiles at him just like Hen and Chimney, tired but relieved while Bobby’s eyes are locked on his feet. He doesn’t move nor smile at him. He can’t even look at him. For a second Buck wonders if he’s done something wrong, but he quickly recognizes the look on the captain's face: it’s guilt. Buck has no idea why he would feel this way but before he can speak, Eddie’s voice echoes in the room.

“What about–” Eddie starts, sitting on the edge of the bed– next to his right leg, the one that is not in a cast– before stopping.

Buck doesn’t need him to finish his question; the disbelieving look on his friend’s eyes is enough. He doesn’t need more to know that Eddie was going to ask the question that hasn’t left his own head since he woke up. 

What about work? Will you be back? Can you work again?

“One titanium rod and four cobalt-chromed screws,” Chimney whistles, “that’s impressive but not as impressive as having a bar piercing thought your brain though,” he jokes to lighten the mood. He’s more perceptive than people think and if he could, Buck would hug him.

His distraction works. Kind of. Buck hears Hen and Eddie chuckle but his eyes are fixed on Bobby who frowns. “It’s not funny,” he grumbles.

“Bobby,” Buck whispers, not sure about what he was going to say. However, the man looks up at him.

Bobby’s eyes meet Buck’s for the first time since he came in and Buck’s heart stops for a minute. The captain’s eyes are wet and red, his jaw is tense, and so is his entire body. Buck understands he’s blaming himself for this. He shouldn’t, this is not his fault. Everyone else in the room falls silent, warily looking between the two of them.

“Don’t,” Buck simply adds.

Bobby seems to understand, for his frown disappears. The sad expression taking its place on his face is even worse. Buck watches him shake his head and walk closer to the bed, looking at Buck’s leg before meeting his eyes again.

“He was after me,” the captain’s voice is low and full of regrets, “if I–”

“I said, don’t,” Buck cuts him off, shaking his head vividly.

Bobby continues anyway, ignoring him. “I was supposed to be in that truck, it was supposed to be me…”

“Bobby…” Hen whispers. She leaves Buck’s side to stand next to the man, giving him a side hug.

“I’m so sorry, Kid,” the captain apologizes, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I–”

Once again, Buck stops him. However, instead of using his voice, he uses his pillow. With a sigh, he sits up with Eddie’s help who grabs his arm. He grabs the pillow and throws it to Bobby’s face.

“Did you just-” the man starts, shaking his head. “Did you just throw a pillow at me?”

Buck shrugs as an answer as Hen smiles, Chimney laughs and Eddie chuckles. Bobby shakes his head one more time before a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. Buck still feels the need to speak so he does.

“This,” he begins, gesturing at his leg, “is not your fault and I’m still alive, aren’t I? Soon, I’ll be back on my feet and back at the station. I’m okay.”

If anyone perceives his lie, no one says anything about it and the conversation moves on to another topic. The team spends hours at Buck’s bedside, talking about everything and nothing all at once, mostly there to keep Buck company–which he is grateful for. He’s been in the hospital for a few hours but he’s going insane already in this bed, alone with his own thoughts.

Eventually, exhaustion washes over his friends. When Chimney falls asleep on the chair the nurse brought him earlier and almost falls from it, Hen declares it’s time to leave. Bobby agrees, and after promising Buck to visit again soon, it’s just Eddie and him.

“You should go too,” Buck suggests even if he doesn’t want him to. He’s dreading the moment he’ll be alone again.

Eddie gives him a tired smile, moving closer to him. “Are you trying to get rid of me?” He asks, cocking an eyebrow at Buck.

Buck scoffs. “No, but you need rest and Christopher–”

“Is spending the night at my Abuela’s, I can stay,” Eddie assures him, to which Buck nods.

The silence stretches between them, comfortable and comforting as they look at the sun rising out the window. More than once, Buck catches his friend looking at him, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Just say it,” Buck eventually sighs.

Eddie hesitates but asks his question anyways. “Are you really okay?”

“Sure,” Buck lies again, “does Christopher know?” He tries to change the subject. He knows he’s not being subtle but lying to his friend is hard.

“No,” Eddie replies, “I called my Abuela last night and he was already sleeping.”

“Good…”

This time, the silence is so thick it’s uncomfortable but Buck can’t think of anything to say, so he focuses on the piece of sky he can see through the window. He stays like that for a few seconds but they feel like an eternity. He knows he can talk to Eddie but there’s something stopping him. It’s not that he doesn’t trust him– their stupid rivalry is long gone and it was never about trust anyways– but his friend is going through a lot himself. He’s grieving and he certainly doesn’t need to listen to his worries about work. Buck knows he could be dead– just like Shannon– and he’s lucky to be alive, but somehow that’s not enough.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Eddie breaks the silence.

Buck’s eyes leave the outside world and meet his friend’s. Eddie his staring right into his soul, digging for the truth. As much as he wants to look away, he can’t bring himself to. The more he holds his friend’s eyes, the more he notices the sadness shining behind the exhaustion. It instantly makes him forget about himself. His leg, pain, and worry don’t matter.

“I know,” he smiles at Eddie and sits up, “and you can talk to me too, about anything. I’m your friend and I’m here for you,” he declares resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder and giving it a soft squeeze.

Eddie quickly looks down at his own hands resting on his lap but he’s not fast enough and Buck notices the way his eyes are shining. When Eddie’s body starts to discreetly shake as he struggles to breathe, Buck understands that his friend is about to break. He’s not sure why but he feels tears burning the back of his eyes. Holding them back, he focuses on comforting his friend. He makes it his mission to be here for Eddie, no matter what he needs.

Buck’s hand leaves his friend’s shoulder, sliding down his arm to rest on top of his hand. Eddie stares down for a long while as Buck’s thumb strokes his skin. When he looks up at him, the man’s eyes are full of tears but his cheeks still are dry. Lips trembling and pursed, jaw tensed and teeth clenched, Eddie is fighting it– the tears, the breakdown, the vulnerability. Buck can’t blame him but still wishes he would open up to him.

“I– I–” Eddie tries, but words are stopped by the lump in his throat and he can’t stop his tears from falling anymore.

“It’s okay,” Buck softly says in a voice he hopes is soothing, “we don’t have to talk.”

Eddie nods and lets his tears soak his cheeks. He moves closer to Buck and Buck expects a hug but Eddie’s chest never meets his. Instead, his friend just rests his head against his shoulder. Heartbreaking sobs shake his entire body as he cries his heart out on Buck’s shoulder for a long while. Buck’s heart aches for his friend and he wishes he could make it better somehow but he doesn’t know what to say nor what to do. So he just lets Eddie cry without a word as his hand leaves Eddie’s to draw comforting circles on his back. After a while, Buck’s hand slides up to his neck until it cradles his head and his fingers are slowly massaging his scalp.

He can’t understand Eddie’s pain, he can only imagine it. Losing someone the way he lost Shannon… Buck doesn’t know how someone can ever overcome this, but he knows Eddie is strong enough to do it. And he knows he will do everything he can to help him. 

2.

Buck wakes up to the smell of disinfectant and steady beeping coming off the heart rate monitor. His eyelids are so heavy he keeps his eyes shut for a while as his brain wakes up before his body does, a turmoil of thoughts giving him a headache. There was a time when Buck thought he was invincible, in control, but ever since the accident fear and worry is all he feels. He’s losing control over his own life as it slips through his fingers and all he can do is watch it pass by, helpless. Ever since he got his leg crushed by the firetruck, it seems that bad luck is following him around. Ali dumped him, his rod had to be replaced, healing didn’t go as well as it should have, and the doctor decided to operate on him again to do bone graft. So a few weeks after the accident, here he is again, laying on a hospital bed with his left leg in a brand-new cast. He knows he should be glad to be alive, he is, but he just wishes the universe would finally give him a well deserved break.

Still groggy from the anesthesia, Buck only sees blurry shapes and bright light when he finally opens his eyes, pushing both the feeling of and his thoughts away. Blinking against the bright light bathing the room, Buck takes in his surroundings and soon, his eyes land on Eddie.

“Hey,” Eddie greets him in a soft voice when their eyes meet. He’s sitting on the same chair he was sitting on when Buck left for surgery, placed by the side of his bed.

There’s a bright smile on his best friend’s face but Buck doesn’t miss the dark shadows looming under his eyes. He looks exhausted and Buck can’t help but think that it’s his fault. Over the last few weeks, Buck has depended on people a lot and Eddie is probably the one he’s depended on the most. Sure, Maddie, Bobby, Chimney, and Hen all visit him but Eddie’s visits are different. They felt different.

“Hey,” Buck replies in a hoarse voice. Eddie frowns at it and before Buck can ask for water, he places a cup in his hand.

“The surgery took longer than planned but it went well,” his best friend announces while Buck sips at the water. “How are you feeling?” He asks, putting a comforting hand on his forearm.

In all honesty, Buck doesn’t feel too good. His head hurts, he feels nauseous, and the hand with the IV drip needle is so itchy he just wants to rip it off. However, Eddie looks concerned enough so Buck shrugs in answer.

“I feel… like a truck hit me?” He jokes with a half-smile when the look in Eddie’s eyes tell him that a shrug isn’t a good enough answer.

His best friend doesn’t laugh at the joke. He doesn’t even smile. His eyebrows knit in an annoyed frown and he sighs heavily. Joking about what happened might not be the best coping mechanism, but it makes things less awkward for everyone, including for him– specially for him because for a short while, concern and pity leave peoples’ faces. It works on everyone except Eddie, who can read him like an open book. Sadness and compassion hover on his face all the time, even when he smiles and as much as Buck appreciates it, he hates seeing his best friend like that.

“Sorry,” Buck whispers, looking down at his hurt leg as guilt twists his inside and stops him from looking at Eddie.

“I–” his best friend starts but stops when Buck lets out a sigh. “Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

The supposedly comforting affirmation doesn’t help Buck. He’s heard it a lot since his first surgery– from Maddie, Chimney, Eddie, Bobby, Hen and even Christopher– and the more he hears it, the less he believes it. He feels like for each step forward, he takes two backwards and every time hope bubbles in his chest, it ends up crushed. Buck can’t take it anymore, he's so tired of this.

“Buck, look at me,” Eddie prompts when he doesn’t reply and Buck can’t help but obey. He’s met with soft hazel eyes and a sincere smile, “you’ll get through this.”

Eddie’s words are so full of confidence– in life but mostly in him– that Buck’s heart leaps and air catches in his throat. His eyes burn with emotional tears and Buck looks down again. His best friend has seen him at his worst and yet he’s still here, believing in him when he doesn’t have the strength to believe in himself. Buck doesn’t know what he would do without him and he hopes to never find out.

Certain he wouldn’t be able to stop his tears from falling if he looked at Eddie again or keeps staring at his leg, Buck looks around the room for a distraction. That’s when he notices the small backpack and LEGO scattered on the floor. He frowns and nods at it.

“Isn’t he supposed to be at school?” He asks.

Eddie chuckles. “Yeah, he was but while you were in surgery I got a call from his school,” Buck sees his best friend shaking his head from the corner of his eyes.

“What happened? Is he okay?” He instantly worries, looking at Eddie with wide eyes.

“Apparently his tummy hurt,” Eddie shakes his head again. “He was perfectly fine when my Abuela dropped him off here.”

“Are you sure he’s fine?”

“Buck, he faked it,” his best friend laughs, “he threw a tantrum when I told him he had to go to school this morning. He cried and told me he wanted to be with you then gave me the cold shoulder until I left him at school.”

“Oh,” Buck breathes out, a smile spreading across his face.

His friend playfully hits his arm. “Don’t smile, it’s bad!”

“It’s cute,” Buck shrugs.

Eddie rolls his eyes at him but he’s grinning. As they keep talking about the boy, Eddie complaining about the tantrum and blaming Buck for it, the grin never leaves his best friend’s face. Buck finds himself smiling through their conversation too, the teasing and light tone taking a weight off of his chest.

By the time Christopher walks into the room, holding Maddie’s hand, he feels a lot better. As the kid approaches the bed and notices that Buck is awake, his face lights up. His smile turning into a grin that Buck mirrors.

“Buck!” He exclaims happily.

“Hey, Buddy,” Buck greets him as Eddie stands up to help Christopher climb onto the bed.

Christopher settles close to Buck, hugging his side. “How are you?” He asks, looking up at him.

“Better now that you’re here,” Buck replies and Christopher giggles.

Buck’s heart jumps at the sound as he realizes how much he means it. Worry and fear dissipate, replaced by a bubbly feeling Buck revels in. Christopher has that calming, soothing, effect on him that makes everything better. He loves the kid.

While Eddie walks back to the chair and sits on it, Maddie presses a kiss to Buck’s head and pats his shoulder. He smiles at him as she drags another chair closer to the bed, next to Eddie’s, and sits down. She looks at Eddie with a frown.

“You look terrible,” she declares, making Buck chuckle which earns him a dark look.

“What?” Buck shrugs. “She’s right. Did you even sleep after your shift?”

Eddie sighs. “No…”

“Shit Eddie,” Buck scolds him, “go home and get some sleep.”

“No!” Christopher protests, clinging at Buck’s side. “I don’t want to leave!”

“Your daddy needs to rest, Buddy,” Buck argues running his hand up and down the kid’s back. “You can come back later.”

“No,” the kid starts crying.

Buck sends Eddie a panicked look, his eyes asking for him: What do I do? His best friend shrugs in answer so Buck just keeps stroking his back in a soothing gesture.

“I want to stay with Buck,” Christopher sniffles.

For a kid who never throws tantrums– Eddie’s words– he surely knows how to get what he wants. His dedication and concern is heartwarming, but Buck feels bad for his best friend. He watches Eddie sigh as Maddie shakes her head.

“It’s okay, we can stay,” he declares.

Christopher smiles brightly at his father before turning to Buck. He looks him up and down, from head to toe, and frowns when his eyes fall on the cast.

“Does it hurt?” He asks.

“No,” Buck smiles.

“If it does, you need to press the button,” Christopher explains to him, pointing his finger at the nurse call button, “and then a nurse will come and make the pain go away.”

“Thanks for the tip, Buddy.”

During the rest of the day, people come and go. Maddie has to leave because she has to go to work, Bobby visits him with Athena, Hen stays around for a few hours, and Chimney brings him a box of chocolate and a teddy bear. Buck welcomes each of them with a big smile and a positive mindset that surprises him. As visits come one after another, Buck’s energy wears off, but the bubbly feeling Christopher put in his chest grows bigger and bigger. He appreciates the support and feels loved– more than he’s felt for years.

Unquestionably, the biggest support comes from his best friend and his son, who hours later haven’t left his side. As the sun sets outside, Christopher is quietly drawing, crayons and sheets of paper spread on the overbed table, Eddie has fallen asleep on his chair, exhaustion finally catching up to him. Buck can’t help himself but take his best friend in. His brown hair is disheveled, contrasting with the peaceful expression he wears on his face as his chest rises then falls steadily. Buck is grateful. He’s grateful for Eddie and Christopher, for their loyalty. Not being alone right now is a relief– Buck couldn’t have handled it. Silence hangs in the air, only interrupted by the beeping of the heart rate monitor and the scrapping of crayons, and it’s oddly soothing, serene. So much, Buck is drifting to sleep.

Minutes– or hours, Buck isn’t sure– later a light dab on his chest wakes him up. He opens his eyes to find Christopher looking at him with a sheepish look. He smiles at him through heavy eyelids.

“For you,” Christopher whispers handing him a colorful sheet of paper.

Buck’s smile widens as he sits up and carefully takes the drawing, as if it was the most precious thing in the world. It is to him. He blinks the sleepiness away and looks at Christopher’s gift. Colors cover the whole paper with a bright blue sky and green grass where three characters with big smiles are standing.

“Is that us?” He asks in a low voice to make sure he doesn’t wake Eddie up.

Christopher nods. “We should go to the park when you can walk again.”

“That’s a great idea,” Buck agrees and he’s looking forward to it.

When he looks down at the drawing again, Christopher takes it back and moves on the bed. Buck watches him with a confused frown that turns into a grin when his eyes fall on his left leg. It’s covered in colorful drawings, from his feet up to his knee, and he can’t see his cast anymore. Christopher moves the overbed table to the side and puts his latest drawing over the cast. He settles back next to Buck, his body pressed against his side.

“Your leg looked sad,” he shrugs when Buck sends him a questioning look.

Buck’s heart explode and melts all at once. He hugs Christopher and presses a kiss on the top of his head before whispering:

“Thank you.”

3.

Months later, the cast is gone and Buck’s leg is healed. He’s allowed to go back to work after nailing the LAFD recertification tests and he feels like himself for the first time in what feels like forever. Things are finally looking up.

Until they aren’t anymore.

One second Buck is surrounded by the people he loves celebrating his imminent comeback to the 118 and the next he wakes up in the intensive care unit and a doctor talks about a pulmonary embolism and clots.

After that, his life falls apart once again when Bobby tells him the chief wants to put him on light duty. Buck is blinded by frustration, injustice, and desperation, and quits. It’s the worst decision he’s ever made and after the first day back home, he wants to call Bobby and tell him he’s changed his mind. Obviously, pride stops him. The more time passes by– rythmed by days that all look alike, spent wandering in his apartment, alone– the more he regrets the decision he’s made.

As he slowly comes to consciousness, Buck keeps his eyes shut in an attempt to make the moment last. He loves it, the groggy and hazy state that follows a night of dreamless sleep. He revels in it. For a little while, he’s at peace and nothing else matters.

“I know you’re awake.”

Buck’s heart leaps in his chest and he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know who the voice belongs to but he still does. As he expects, he finds himself face to face with Eddie’s body. His best friend is standing inches away from the bed, arms crossed over his chest, looking right into his eyes. Grunting, Buck rolls over on the bed, so he’s laying on his back.

“Were you watching me sleep?” he asks in a raspy voice.

Eddie’s blush is the only answer Buck needs. He chuckles as his best friend looks at his feet until Buck clears his throat. The sound brings Eddie’s hazel eyes on him. Buck gives his best friend a smile but the atmosphere thickens with something he can’t grasp.

“It’s creepy,” Buck jokes, as he sits up, the sheets falling off his bare chest.

He hopes his joke is enough to break the weird tension Eddie’s silent reply brought in the room. It works for a few seconds as Eddie smiles and rolls his eyes at him. However, when he takes a hesitant step forward the tension is back, heavier than before. His eyes avoid Buck’s again, looking everywhere but at him as his mouth hangs open. Buck watches him as he seems to have a conversation with himself in his mind and understands his best friend wants to say something but is hesitating. In all honesty, Buck isn’t sure he wants to know what’s going on in the man’s head at the moment so he doesn’t ask.

Silence stretches between them growing tense yet still comforting somehow. Buck stays silent, giving Eddie time to make up his mind. His best friend takes another step closer, then another, until his calves are pressed against the wooden bed frame. After a while, Eddie sighs. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks into Buck’s eyes, into his soul.

“How are you feeling?”

Eddie’s words are full of genuine concern and Buck’s heart leaps again in his chest. In the middle of the chaos that his life has become, Eddie is his lifeline. However, as sincere as his worry is his best friend looks like he’s afraid of Buck’s answer. So, for a second he thinks about lying. He thinks about hiding his pain and sadness behind a smile and pretend he’s okay but he decides against it. Eddie deserves the truth after everything he’s done for him. However, Buck isn’t ready to admit how bad he’s feeling to both Eddie and himself. He answers his best friend’s question with a shrug that seems to be enough for now since Eddie doesn’t insist. After stretching, Buck throws his legs off the bed and sits next to the man.

“Breakfast?” He offers.

Eddie nods and Buck pats his back as he stands up. He stretches one more time and pulls up gray sweatpants over his underwear. Shirtless, he walks to the stairs. Eddie follows him downstairs and sits on a stool at the kitchen’s island while Buck opens the fridge.

“Um…” He hums as emptiness stares back at him, reminding him that he’s skipped his weekly trip to the grocery shop.

And a few showers, shaving, airing out his apartment… As the list goes on and on in his head, Buck feels more and more aware about how bad it must look to his best friend– more self-conscious about how bad it really is, whether or not he’s ready to admit it. The worst thing about it all is that he doesn’t even care.

Sighing, Buck closes the fridge with too much force, making it tremble against the wall. He stares at it for a few seconds, then walks back to the stairs with the intention to go back to bed and stay there forever.

“Buck,” Eddie calls him softly.

The concern and worry suddenly become too much for Buck, overwhelming. And while he appreciated Eddie’s awkward yet comforting company minutes ago, he just wants him gone now.

“You show yourself out,” he says without looking at his best friend.

He’s two steps up the stairs when he feels Eddie’s warm hand on his bare shoulder. The contact makes him stop in his tracks sending a shiver down his spine he blames on the temperature. Buck shakes the man’s hand off of his shoulder and rapidly walks up to his bedroom. There, he plops down on his bed and buries his face in his pillow.

Seconds later, footsteps echo in the room and the bed moves under Eddie’s weight.

“Leave me alone,” Buck almost begs.

His voice is muffled by the pillow but Eddie seems to understand what he’s said anyway because he replies.

“I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

The statement makes a groan roar in Buck’s chest. It slips out of his lips when he sits up, legs crossed, and glares at his best friend. He wishes he would leave already.

“You know,” Buck starts, grabbing his pillow, “I’m sick of people telling me what I should or shouldn’t do,” he puts the pillow on his lap and plays with the hem of the pillow case just to keep his hands busy. “Bobby thinks I should do light duty, Maddie thinks I should take it easy… The doctors, Hen, Chimney, you… Everyone has an opinion about what’s best for me. But what about what I want?” Buck snaps, throwing the pillow back on the bed.

“What do you want?” Eddie asks and he sounds genuinely interested in Buck’s answer.

Buck isn’t ready to go down that path yet. It’s a door he’s locked after begging Bobby not to put him behind a desk, and it’s stayed closed until now. He’s not opening it again. So he pushes Eddie away.

“I want you to leave,” he answers, laying back down on the bed, is back turned to his best friend.

Eddie stands up and Buck sighs as he realizes it’s too late. His best friend’s question unlocked that door he’s tried so hard to keep closed and a turmoil of thoughts and emotions overtake him. He does his best to ignore them and waits for Eddie to leave. Instead of relief, he feels disappointment. A part of him thinks his best friend is right, maybe he shouldn’t be alone right now but the other one doesn’t agree. That part is filled with shame and embarrassment. That part doesn’t want Eddie to see him like this more than he already has.

“Not gonna happen,” Eddie disagrees and Buck doesn’t need to look at him to know that he’s scrunching his nose and tilting his head to the side.

Soon, the man appears in front of Buck on the other side of the bed. Buck glares at him again but his heart isn’t into it. He tries to look annoyed but he’s reassured by the fact that his best friend hasn’t left yet. Eddie cocks an eyebrow at him as he kicks his shoes off.

“Stop glaring at me,” he orders, sitting on the bed, “I’m immune to your bad attitude.”

Buck’s glare turns into a squint, his eyes narrowing. Laughing, Eddie puts his legs up on the bed. He makes a show of laying down, crossing his arms under his head and sighing heavily as he looks at the ceiling.

“Seriously, don’t you have anything better to do?” Buck asks as he mirrors his best friend’s position. Instead of looking at the ceiling though, he looks at the man’s profile.

Again, he tries to sound annoyed and fails. His voice comes out weak and uncertain, like a plea. The hidden request brings his walls down, leaving him vulnerable. Please stay. Eddie keeps staring at the ceiling as he answers.

“Nope,” he starts, making the ‘p’ pop, “Christopher is at school and spends the evening with my Abuela and it’s my day off,” he adds wiggling his hips, making himself comfortable on the bed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

A half smile tugs at his lips at Eddie’s promise but he refuses to give in so easily. “I hate you,” he groans halfheartedly.

“I know,” Eddie chuckles, “you’ll thank me later, though.”

Buck sighs as he keeps staring at his best friend who’s too busy looking up to notice. His eyes roam his face, tracing the strong line of his jaw and the soft curves of his lips. Eddie is beautiful, Hen and Chimney were right all those months ago. And he’s also so much more than that.

As the thought crosses his mind, Eddie’s head turn toward him and their eyes meet. Buck panics for a second, worrying that he’s said it out loud but even if he wanted to, he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t let that ruin the moment. Shifting his body so he’s laying on his side, facing Buck, Eddie smiles at him making his heart flutter. Buck blames it on the closeness and moves on.

“I want to be a fireman,” he declares, moving on the bed so his body faces Eddie’s.

His own words surprise Buck. He’s just opened the imaginary door and there’s no way this is going to end well. He tries to push the thoughts away with deep breaths but it’s too late.

“This job… It’s all I have,” he continues, “I–I–It's the only thing I’ve ever did that mattered. It’s who I am and who I want to be and I don’t know who am I without it and I don’t want to find out. I–I–I– ” Buck stutters, struggling to get air inside his lungs.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, moving closer– so close their knees touch and the simple contact calms Buck down instantly. “This is who you are, with or without this job, you are Buck. You will always be Buck,” he reassures him, resting a comforting hand on his arm.

Buck frowns at the familiarity of the man’s words. He knows he’s heard them before but he can’t remember who said them. He tries to focus but Eddie’s hand starts moving on his arm, fingertips running up and down his biceps in a soothing gesture and he loses track of his thoughts.

“And we will all love you,” Eddie adds, making Buck’s heart and brain stop functioning.

Once they start working again, Buck remembers. “Have you been talking to my sister?” He squints at his best friend.

“Maybe…” his best friend smiles. “But she’s right you know. You will always be the asshole who gave me the cold shoulder when I joined the 118, you will always be the man who cares so much about my son, you will always be my best friend... Nothing will ever change that,” he promises, his smile growing bigger and brighter.

Buck can’t stop the smile spreading across his own face, he doesn’t want to. Eddie’s promise doesn’t magically fix everything, Buck still is scared and worried, but they do make him feel a little bit better.

“Thank you,” he mutters, staring into the other man’s eyes. Eddie doesn’t say anything but the smug smile and the way his eyebrows shoot up speak for him. Told you. “Oh shut up,” Buck groans, turning his back to Eddie who laughs softly.

4.

After the tsunami that hits Los Angeles, Buck is certain that the universe is mad at him. In addition to sadness and hopelessness, guilt settles in his chest and twists his guts. It feels like a hand is squeezing his heart with so much force it stops beating and he can’t breathe anymore. He failed Eddie and Christopher, he let them down and because of that, he can’t bring himself to face them.

To protect himself, Buck isolates himself from his best friend, staying locked in his apartment. He doesn’t pick up his phone, he doesn’t read his texts, and he doesn’t answer his door. He can’t forgive himself so how could Eddie? His best friend must hate him and Buck can’t handle it. He can’t handle the blame he’s sure to find in his words and eyes. After a few days, Buck’s phone stops ringing. No phone calls, no texts, just silence. A dreaded silence that makes Buck think that this is it: he’s lost one of the most– if not the most– important person in his life. 

So when he finds Eddie standing close to him when he wakes up that morning, Buck is confused. For a second, Buck doesn’t know where he is and he doesn’t remember what happened. Blinking sleep away, he takes his surroundings in and instantly recognizes his living room– the big windows, the sofa he’s laying on, the coffee table… That’s when he notices him, the boy sitting on the coffee table, watching TV. Christopher. Memories flood back, so vivid and intense that Buck jerks up with a gasp. Eddie’s kneeling by his side, hands on his shoulders in a flash.

“Easy, Buck.”

His best friend’s voice is gentle and soothing but it’s not enough to calm down the rapid beating of Buck’s heart nor chase the memories away. Buck’s underwater, water filling his lungs and dragging him down, and Christopher…

“Christopher,” he breathes out in a hoarse voice that hurt his tight throat.

“He’s right here,” Eddie announces, his hands squeezing his shoulders, “he’s okay.”

The man moves to the side and Buck sees the kid again. Christopher looks at him over his shoulder. With a big smile spread across his face, he waves at Buck.

“Morning, Buck.”

Even though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, Buck manages a smile. “Hey, Buddy,” he greets him before looking between the father and his son, dumbfounded. “What-”

Shaking his head, he focuses his gaze on his best friend, his mouth opening and closing a few times. Since words stay stuck in his throat, Buck settles on a questioning look. Eddie answers to it with a shrug. He stands up after patting his shoulder and takes a backpack Buck hasn’t noticed being next to Christopher.

Buck sits up and slides his hands over his still healing face then hair, confused. He sighs when Eddie sits next to him on the sofa and starts listing what’s inside the backpack. Snacks, coloring books, lego, money for pizza… Each item has Buck’s confused frown deepen. Until he gets it. Dread crunches his guts and panic makes his chest feel even tighter when he understands that Eddie is leaving Christopher with him for the day. Buck scoffs in disbelief, his best friend can’t be serious… Buck stands up and grabs Eddie’s arm, tugging at it until the man is on his feet. He drags him away from Christopher, close to the dining table, so the kid doesn’t hear them.

“You want me to watch Christopher?” He asks as if it’s the dumbest idea Eddie has ever had. And it is. The last time he did, he lost the kid.

Eddie shrugs and makes a joke to lighten the mood but Buck doesn’t have it in him to smile. Besides, he won’t let it distract him.

“After everything that happened?” Buck adds.

“A natural disaster happened, Buck,” Eddie replies.

He looks him in the eyes and the blame Buck was expecting isn’t here– instead honesty and sincerity are shining in them instead.

“I lost him, Eddie,” Buck can’t help but argue. He might have had no control over the tsunami but this, losing Eddie’s son, it’s on him.

“You saved him,” Eddie asserts, pointing at Christopher, “that’s how he remembers it.” Buck’s eyes follow his finger and he looks at Christopher who’s watching the TV with interest. “And now, it’s his turn to do the same for you,” his best friend finishes, looking at his son.

Buck isn’t sure what Eddie means but his words make his insides twist in a completely different way. His eyes go from Christopher to Eddie and when their eyes meet, he’s once again baffled by the sincerity, concern, and compassion he finds in them. As much as he appreciates what his best friend is doing– or trying to do– nothing and no one can shake the guilt away. His stomach clenches in anxiety at the idea of spending the day with Christopher.

“I was supposed to look out for him,” Buck starts but his best friend stops him.

“And what? You think you failed him?”

Sometimes, Buck hates how well Eddie knows him. The man can see right through him, read him like an open book and Buck feels exposed in the best way possible. Sharing this kind of connection with someone is new for him and it’s as comforting as unsettling.

“I failed this kid more times than I care to count, and I’m his father,” Eddie adds when Buck stays silent for too long. Buck frowns at the confession. His best friend is such a good father he would never have imagined him as anything but perfect. “But I love him enough to never stop trying, and I know you do too.”

Something roars inside Buck’s chest, something he can’t identify, can’t name. It burns through his entire body before it stops and Buck feels nothing but peace. It lasts for a few blissful seconds before panic is back without a warning.

Buck wants to argue, push his best friend away and run away from the responsibility but he can’t. He can’t let Eddie and Christopher down again, he doesn’t have it in him to push them away, and he refuses to let fear dictate his life. Because Eddie is right: he loves Christopher enough to keep trying. He loves Eddie enough to keep trying. He loves Eddie, he–

“Buck…” More than his best friend’s voice, it’s the strong hand on his shoulder and the soft brush of his thumb against his skin, sending a shiver down his spine that snaps Buck out of his thoughts. “There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.”

The certainty and trust shining through Eddie’s words, touch, and eyes melt Buck’s doubts and fear. His best friend seems to notice it since he pats his shoulder and walks away to say goodbye to Christopher. Bewildered, Buck watches the exchange from his spot close to the diner table.

Once he’s done, Eddie walks past Buck to the door, making another joke to play down the whole thing. This time, feeling like a weight has been taken off of his shoulder now that he knows he hasn’t lost Eddie, Buck can’t stop the smile tugging at his lips. Before he leaves, his best friend stops with his hand on the doorknob.

“Oh, um…” Buck turns around and finds the man looking at him. “Thank you for not giving up.”

With that, Eddie closes the door and leaves. Minutes later, his words still resonate in Buck’s entire body. They echo in his mind and fills his chest with something he hasn’t felt in a while as he keeps staring at the door: the will to fight. It stays with him long after his best friend is gone for his shift.

Thanks to Christopher’s company, the day goes by quickly– hours feel like seconds and soon, the moon has replaced the sun in the sky. By the time Eddie comes back to pick his son up, Buck has made up his mind. Giving up isn’t an option so if he has to do light duty to get his job– and that piece of himself he misses so much– back, then he’ll do it. He can handle it, unlike spending the rest of his life in limbo like he’s been doing for a while.

Buck is sitting at the dining table, watching Christopher peacefully sleeping on the sofa when his phone buzzes with a text from Eddie. It’s a simple text to inform him that he’s leaving the station but it makes Buck’s heart leap in anticipation. His leg bounces uncontrollably as he waits for his best friend to arrive. He can’t wait to tell him, he wants Eddie to be the first one to know. So, when minutes later he gets another text the man sends to let him know that he’s in front of the building, Buck jumps off his chair and almost runs to the door. He opens it and waits for Eddie, his heart pounding. It stops beating for half a second when the man appears, dressed in dark jeans and a burgundy hoodie thrown over a white t-shirt, hair still wet from the shower he took at the station. When Eddie sees him, he frowns but there’s a bright smile on his face. Buck smiles back at him.

“Happy to get rid of my son?” Eddie jokes, stopping on the doorstep.

“What? No!” Buck almost shouts, outraged, before adding in a whisper: “Happy to see you.”

Buck’s eyes widen and he mentally slaps himself for letting the statement slip as his words hang in the air. It’s not that he doesn’t mean it, he is happy to see his best friend– more than he is about his decision and sharing the news with him to be honest– but he knows his words hide something else. A soft blush creeps on Eddie’s cheeks as he tries to hide his embarrassment behind a cough and looks down at his shoes. When he looks back up at Buck, he’s cocking an eyebrow at him and his bright smile has turned soft.

“I have something to tell you,” Buck announces, ignoring the little voice telling him how beautiful Eddie looks right now, tired and disheveled. Soft.

Eddie sends him a quizzical look but follows him inside, to the kitchen. There, Buck turns to him, a finger over his mouth as he nods toward the kid sleeping. Eddie nods, his smile never leaving his face as he walks over to Christopher to press a kiss on his head.

“Beer?” Buck offers when he comes back and sits at the island.

“Sure,” Eddie replies.

As he opens the fridge and grabs the beers, Buck suddenly feels nervous. As excited and certain as he was before, saying it out loud, to someone else, makes it real and he’s not sure about how he feels about it. What if he’s not ready? What if he is? What if he can never be a firefighter ever again? Shaking his head, Buck takes a deep breath and imagines the questions and doubts leaving his mind with the air coming out of his nose. He closes the fridge and walks to the kitchen island beers in hands. After opening them, he hands Eddie his and leans over the furniture, resting his forearms on it.

“So… There’s something you want to tell me?” Eddie asks after sipping at his drink. He sounds nervous but curious.

Buck hesitates, eyes focused on his beer bottle as his fingers play with the label.

“Buck,” his best friend speaks again, resting a comforting hand on his forearm, “you can tell me anything,” he affirms, giving his arm a gentle, encouraging squeeze.

Buck isn’t sure if it’s the touch or the words but he works up the courage to look at his best friend. Eddie’s smiling, his eyes warm and reassuring.

“I’ve decided to do light duty and come back,” he declares.

Eddie’s smile widens, brighter than ever. “What made you change your mind?”

“You,” Buck replies wholeheartedly. “I– What you said earlier…”

He stops, not even sure about how to explain what his best friend’s words did to him. So, when Eddie nods in understanding, he’s relieved he doesn’t have to.

“I can’t wait to have you back, I–” the man stops, his eyes going wide and his mouth hanging open. “We all miss you,” he quickly adds, surprise leaving his face.

Buck smiles, trying to not read too much into his best friend first affirmation. “What if I’m not ready though?” He worries, looking down at his drink again.

Eddie squeezes his arm again. “You can do this,” he states with conviction, “you are ready.”

His best friend’s eyes show so much confidence that Buck believes him, he believes in himself. And it feels so good he doesn’t fight the urge to walk around the kitchen island and hug him tight.

5.

Being back at the station is like Buck expected. Obviously, after the whole lawsuit mess, he wasn’t expecting a warm welcome so he’s ready for the cold shoulders and glares. However, he wasn’t prepared for it to hurt that much. He wasn’t prepared for the heartbreak.

Thankfully, Hen and Chimney quickly come around and after a few days, Bobby eases up on him too. Buck gets his team, friends, and family back but it feels incomplete and his heart keeps aching because Eddie doesn’t talk to him except for when they’re on call. He barely looks at him. Every time Buck tries to approach him, his jaw tenses and his entire body stiffens, sending out waves of hate that hit Buck as hard as the tsunami did. This time, he’s truly lost his best friend and he can’t blame anyone else but himself.

Being so close yet so far from Eddie is torture and Buck feels his heart break a little bit more with each rejection. As much as it annoys and frustrates him, he knows he deserved it. So Buck takes it, accepts the ignorance and indifference until he can’t anymore. The day after Halloween, they finally talk it out and hug, and just like that, they are best friends again. Buck’s life feels complete again, on the right track. It feels like nothing has changed between them but at the same time, something is different. Something Buck can’t grasp and that he feels through every lingering touches and look. Something that brings them closer than ever.

On bad days, Buck wishes they weren’t that close. While the attention and concern are nice, it’s overwhelming sometimes. There are days Buck just wants to feel bad, wallow in whatever he is feeling and today is one of those days. He woke up from a nightmare that stayed stuck in his head all day, someone they were supposed to save died, and he sprained his ankle while rescuing people from a fire. He doesn’t notice it at first, but by the time they’re back at the station, his ankle is throbbing and he’s limping. He knows accidents happen yet he feels stupid about it which only makes his mood worse. So while the rest of the team gets busy with dinner preparations after showering, Buck decides to go lie down in the bunk room instead. As soon as his head hits the pillow, exhaustion washes over him.

Buck only realizes he’s fallen asleep when he’s woken up by a soft caress on his arm. Before he even opens his eyes, he knows the hand on his skin is Eddie’s. His best friend has gotten a lot more tactile lately and Buck has gotten so used to his touch. So much he knows every press and caress, every curve and coarse spot of the man’s hand. He loves all of them. Eddie’s hand moves up and down his arm as the mattress moves under his weight. When Buck opens his eyes, Eddie is sitting next to him, looking down at him with concern.

“What’s going on?”

Sighing, Buck ponders lying to his best friend but he decides to stay silent. He isn’t sure why but there’s a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. He doesn’t trust his voice, so he shrugs and turns his back to Eddie, hoping he gets the hint. If he does, he ignores it.

“You were limping,” Eddie says softly, his hand now on Buck’s back, drawing soothing circles. “Is it your leg?”

Buck can’t help but wince at the mention of his leg. He moves until he’s laying on his back and looks at the ceiling when he answers.

“No.”

“Last time you ignored the pain, you ended up with a pulmonary embolism,” Eddie mentions him even though he doesn’t need to be reminded of his recklessness.

“It’s not my leg,” Buck sighs.

“Then what is it?” His best friend urges which makes Buck growl in annoyance.

“It’s nothing.”

Eddie sighs in frustration. From the corner of his eyes, Buck sees him stand up before pacing along the bed. After a few seconds, he stops and crosses his arms over his chest, frowning at Buck.

“Why are you doing this?” He snarls. “I thought we–” Eddie stops, taking a deep breath through his nose. He’s frustrated and troubled and it’s Buck’s fault. “We agreed to be honest with each other.”

Buck exhales loudly before sitting up. The instant his left foot touches the ground, he winces in pain. Ignoring it, he stands up and staggers closer to his best friend who’s looking at the floor, until they are standing face to face with only a few inches between them. He puts his hand on Eddie’s bicep but the man shrugs it off.

“How can you be so reckless?!” The man whispers angrily. “You almost died three times, don’t you think it’s enough?”

“Eddie…” Buck sighs, his heart jumping in his chest because he knows Eddie enough to understand that his best friend isn’t actually angry, just worried. “My leg is fine,” he reassures him, trying to reach for his best friend again but Eddie takes a step back. Buck can’t help but roll his eyes at him. “I think I sprained my ankle, though,” he admits, “I’m not going to die from that.”

“What if it’s more than that?” Eddie asks with a frown and he starts pacing again. “What if it’s more serious? What if the clots come back? What if you die this time?!”

He shouts the last question but he doesn’t sound angry. He doesn’t even sound worried, just scared. Terrified even, and it makes Buck’s heart swell and break all at once. Buck shuffles, avoiding putting too much weight on his hurt ankle, and stands in Eddie’s way. When his best friend turns around to continue his pacing, their chests collide. Before he realizes what he’s doing, Buck wraps his arms around Eddie’s shoulder and brings him closer. He feels his best friend's breath hitching and his heart skipping a beat before pounding against his chest. Buck hugs him tighter. After a short while, Eddie hugs him back with some kind of desperation. He locks his arms around Buck’s waist and nuzzles into his neck. The soft caress of his breath on his skin lights a fire inside Buck’s chest that spread across his entire body. The sweet sensation vanishes as quickly as it started when Eddie’s hands slide up slightly and he holds him close, gripping Buck’s t-shirt. He holds onto him as if he never wants to let go as if he would disappear if he did.

“I’m not going to die,” He whispers into his best friend’s ear. “I’m not going anywhere,” he adds, like a promise.

“I– I can’t lose you,” Eddie confesses, his lips brushing against Buck’s neck sending a jolt of electricity through his body. “During the lawsuit… I lost it because I–” His voice breaks and Buck tightens his grip around the man’s shoulders.

Buck’s stomach clenches in guilt. They’ve talked about this before, one night when he had Christopher and Eddie over for video games and pizza and the man has made it clear that he doesn’t hold any grudges against him. However, a part of Buck still can’t forgive himself for failing his best friend like that. It probably never will.

“I’m sorry,” Buck breathes out, letting go of Eddie and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“What?” Eddie asks, a confused frown drawing his eyebrows together. “No, Buck, that’s–” he sighs as he sits next to Buck, his thigh pressed against his. “That’s not what I meant. You– I–”

Eddie groans in frustration much to Buck’s confusion. He watches his best friend as he stands up, groans again, then sits back on the bed.

“I don’t know, I’m confused,” he speaks again looking vacantly in the semi-darkness of the bunk room. “You confuse me.”

Turning his head, Buck looks at Eddie’s profile. “I confuse you?” He scoffs. “You’re the one not making sense right now.”

When he tries to shift on the bed, so he can face Eddie, Buck puts his weight on his left foot and whines in pain. His best friend’s head snaps toward him and his hands reach out for him but stop midway.

“Let me take a look at it,” Eddie changes the subject nodding at his leg.

Buck lifts it up and lets him carefully grab it and put it on his lap as he settles against the headboard. He watches Eddie’s eyebrows knit in concentration as he lifts his pants up and inspects his injury.

“Can you move it?”

Buck nods and moves his foot. It hurts but he knows nothing is broken. Soft fingers brush against his skin then press on the side of his ankle. Buck bites down his bottom lip to stop another whine when Eddie presses harder. While he keeps massaging the stretched ligament Buck keeps staring at him.

“Why are you confused?” Buck asks once Eddie has finished the massage.

“Can we just drop it? You’re right, I’m tired. I don’t make sense,” Eddie shrugs before using Buck’s sprained ankle as an excuse to change the subject again. “It’s not too bad, you should go home and get some rest. Put ice on it and bandages and it should be fine.”

Rolling his eyes, Buck has no intention to let it go. He uses his hands to lift his body up and slides closer to Eddie. Instead of his ankle, his thigh is on the man’s lap while the other one is on the bed behind him. Buck rests his chin on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Why do I confuse you?”

“Buck,” Eddie groans.

“Why?”

Sighing, Eddie turns his head towards him. When their eyes meet, Buck’s breath catches in his throat because of the intensity shining in Eddie’s eyes. A warm feeling settles in his chest, as if his body senses something important is going to happen. The man’s eyes roam his face before a soft smile plays on his lips and he shakes his head.

“Because you’re my best friend,” he sighs, “and best friends don’t… they don’t touch like that,” Eddie looks down at his torso and Buck’s eyes follow.

Buck doesn’t remember sliding his hand under Eddie’s t-shirt but here it is, palm flat and fingertips hovering over warm skin and rock hard abs. There’s a little voice in Buck’s head telling him he should stop. He should stop touching Eddie and take his hand away but he can’t. He doesn’t want to.

“Does it bother you?” He asks, looking up at Eddie. “Do you want me to stop touching you?”

For a second, it’s like Eddie stops breathing and Buck feels his abs tense up under his fingers. When he replies to Buck’s question, his breathing is hurried and loud.

“No,” he whispers, closing his eyes. Eddie stays silent for a second, taking a deep breath before opening his eyes and looking into Buck’s soul. “That’s why I’m so confused. It doesn’t bother me and I don’t want you to stop, never. I want more. I–” He stops and breathes heavily again.

“Are you saying you like me?” Buck asks with a cocky grin.

“No,” Eddie denies at first but it sounds like a lie to Buck. Something he’s been repeating it in his head over and over again, just like Buck has been doing for a while. “Yes,” he corrects himself, “I like you but– but you’re my best friend and I can’t lose you. I don’t even know if–”

Eddie doesn’t finish his sentence. Keeping Buck’s leg on his lap, he tucks his under his body so he is facing him. Buck offers him a smile.

“Sometimes– when you touch me like this–” Eddie speaks again, staring into Buck’s eyes, “I think you like me too but then you’re back to acting like a friend and nothing more. You…”

Buck cocks an eyebrow at Eddie as he keeps talking and talking, making less and less sense. He’s nervous and jittery which is very cute and puts a smile on Buck’s lips.

“Can you please stop smiling and say something?” Eddie pleads after long minutes. “Anything, even if you–”

Before Eddie can start another monologue of doubts and confusion, Buck’s hand leaves his abs to rest against his cheek. He leans into the touch, briefly closing his eyes and Buck puts his free hand on his other cheek. Eddie’s face between his hands, his thumbs stroking his cheekbones, he leans closer and presses a quick, chaste peck on Eddie’s lips.

“Words aren’t really my thing,” he declares after pulling away, holding back a laugh as he takes in Eddie’s shocked expression.

“Right, reckless moves are,” Eddie jokes but Buck catches the hidden doubt and silent question hidden behind it.

Buck moves closer to the man, almost sitting on his lap. “There’s nothing reckless about what I just did,” he reassures him before planting another kiss on Eddie’s lips, “I’ve been thinking about it… a lot.”

“You’ve been thinking about kissing me?” Eddie asks, a smug smile on his face.

“Amongst other things,” Buck shamelessly admits which makes Eddie’s smile fall. His lips part and his eyes darken. “I could show you,” he offers, climbing on the man’s lap.

This time when he presses his lips against Eddie’s, it’s for a deep, wet kiss. At first, Eddie is shy– he lets Buck kiss him the way he wants to, messy and needy– but after a few seconds, he presses his hands against Buck’s hips and slows down the pace a little bit. His tongue slides against his lips before exploring his mouth and the kiss turns slow and soft. It still makes Buck’s body burn with desire and leaves them both breathless.

“Not here,” Eddie whispers against his lips.

Buck is feeling so high from their kiss that he doesn’t understand that Eddie is replying to his offer right away. When he does, instead of feeling disappointed, his heart jumps in anticipation. Eddie’s words aren’t a rejection, they are a promise.

+1.

When Eddie takes Buck out on a date for the first time, something feels wrong. The restaurant Bobby recommended is cozy and romantic, the suit Buck is wearing makes him look like a model and the younger man himself is everything Eddie hoped for and so much more. He’s not much different from the Evan Buckley he’s gotten to know since he joined the 118– sweet, funny, and teasing. If anything, he flirts a little bit more but that’s another side of his best friend– boyfriend, his brain reminds him– he’s learned to appreciate. The date is perfect, it’s not awkward and they have a good time, yet Eddie can’t shake the weird feeling that something isn’t right off.

It’s only a few hours later, when Buck follows him inside his house that he understands. As he watches the younger man press a kiss on his Abuela’s cheek then on Christopher’s head Eddie realizes that the date felt like a step back into their relationship. After everything they’ve been through, they are way past the dating stage, as nice as it is. But this? Buck walking around the house like he belongs here, acting like he’s always been part of his family. This feels right, more than anything ever did.

After Isabel leaves and Eddie has changed into a tank top and sweatpants, he leans against a wall and spends more time observing his boyfriend. His heart is so full it might explode. Buck is sitting on the floor in his dress pants and shirt, tie hanging loosely around his neck and sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He’s talking excitedly with Christopher, his hands moving around in the air as the boy laughs. Eddie smiles fondly at the both of them and yes, this definitely feels right. Like it’s meant to be. He wishes Buck didn’t have to go back to his place ever again, that this could last forever.

That night, Eddie almost asks Buck to move in with him and Christopher when they are laying in his bed, his boyfriend’s head on his chest. However, as much as he wants this-- Buck and a life with him-- he decides against it. It's a big step Buck-- and Eddie himself to be honest-- probably isn't ready to take yet. Besides, Eddie doesn't want to move too fast and ruin everything. Not only their relationship, but their friendship too. Taking things slow is the rational thing to do but Buck... Buck makes Eddie want to be a little bit more impulsive. Live and not just survive anymore.

During the following weeks, Eddie drops hints, he can't help himself. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just can't get enough of Buck and it’s just easier for everyone to have him over rather than going to his apartment. It happens slowly and gradually but soon, Buck's stuff is all over the house. It starts with his hair gel and within a month, half of Eddie's closet is his.

They make it official a month later. Eddie sits Christopher down at the kitchen table and the three of them talk about it before deciding anything. It doesn't last more than five minutes, after which a smile spreads across Christopher's face as he hugs Buck. The younger man moves in a week later and Eddie's house has never felt more like home. Even though his boyfriend has been spending more time here than at his place for a while, it changes everything. For the better.

Eight months later, they get married.

“Rise and shine,” Buck murmurs in Eddie’s ear, trying to wake him up with soft kisses on the back his neck, “Mr Diaz-Buckley.”

Eddie stirs but keeps his eyes shut, focusing on the warm sun on his face and the wet mouth on his neck, a smile on his face. It’s not enough for Buck who moves closer to him on the bed, pressing his chest against Eddie’s back. Eddie shivers when he feels soft fingers glide over his bare rib cage and hungry lips on his exposed neck but still refuses to wake up or give back attention to his husband. However, he can’t stop his body from reacting to the touches and kissing. When he tilts his head so Buck can kiss his neck with more freedom, teeth sink in the sensitive spot behind his ear. It forces a breathy moan out of his lips and the younger man chuckles.

“Eddie…” He whines, his mouth leaving Eddie’s neck to kiss his jaw then his cheek. “Kiss me.”

Buck can be needy in the morning– and pretty much all the time– and Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t love it. The eager touches, the urgent mouth, the way he moans his name… They always make Eddie cave in. This time is no different. Finally opening his eyes, he stretches then rolls over on the bed. As soon as he’s laying on his back, Buck is sitting on his lap, smiling down at him as he leans in. Shaking his head, Eddie mirrors his smile. As if his lips were attracted to Buck’s ones, plump and so pink, Eddie finds himself sitting up to meet him halfway. Before he can claim his husband’s mouth, the younger man takes his face between his hands, fingertips caressing the nape of his neck. Eddie cocks an eyebrow at him and tries to move his face closer to Buck’s but he moves his backward, laughing. When he tries to kiss him again, the other man escapes his lips again, playing with Eddie’s nerves.

After a few tries, Eddie loses his patience. With one swift movement, he lifts Buck up and lies him down on the bed, settling between his spread legs. Holding the man’s arm up against the bed, he finally captures his lips. The chaste peck rapidly turns into an open-mouthed kiss, thirsty and breathtaking. Before completely breaking the kiss, Eddie gently bites Buck’s bottom lip, adding light pressure until he gets a moan out of his husband. Satisfied, he pulls away and looks at the man beneath him with a smug yet fond smile. Buck is panting, blonde curls going in every direction, lips swollen and still wet from their kiss. He’s beautiful and Eddie is so in love with him. He’s never been happier than right now. The only thing missing is Christopher but Eddie knows his Abuela is taking good care of him so he’s not worried about him. For now, he focuses on Buck and him and their honeymoon.

They spend most of that first day in bed, switching between slow kisses and eager ones, light caresses and needy groping, and sweet words and loud moaning. They explore each other’s body as if it was the first time, thoroughly and deeply, and connect on a whole different level.

After going out for dinner, Eddie finds himself on the bed again, wearing shorts and a tank top. He’s laying in Buck’s arms, his head above his heart and his arms wrapped around his torso while his husband’s fingers trace abstract shapes on his back. Feeling happy and peaceful, he lets out a content sigh and snuggles closer to the younger man. Sometimes, he wonders how he got so lucky, marrying his best friend.

“I love you,” Eddie whispers, eyes closed as exhaustion washes over him.

Buck laughs and it’s not mocking but fond. The sound resonates in his chest, making it vibrate under Eddie’s head. Eddie opens his eyes and tilts his head up enough to look up at him but not enough to leave its spot on Buck’s chest. The man presses a kiss against his forehead.

“I hope so,” he replies, smiling,“you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life now.”

Eddie chuckles and he would have shaken his head if Buck’s chest wasn’t so comfortable. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Neither would I,” Buck states, “I love you, too.”

“I know,” Eddie smiles, “you proved that a lot today,” he jokes.

Buck laughs and shakes his head. Freeing himself from Eddie’s arms, he rolls over to pick up his phone from the bedside table. Eddie watches the screen come on and cast bright light on Buck’s face.

“I’d love to prove it to you again,” his husband declares, his eyes filling with want as he looks at him, “but I miss Christopher, can we call him?”

Eddie sits up on the bed and nods in agreement, smiling. Buck presses a quick kiss on his lips and settles next to him before starting the video call. Both Christopher and Isabel are happy to see them and they all chat for a long while before the conversation starts to die down. When Christopher starts to cry because it’s almost time to hang up and go to sleep, Buck starts using filters and makes silly faces. It instantly fills the room with Christopher’s laugh coming out of the speaker and Eddie’s heart swells with love. He listens to his son and husband joke and laugh, his eyes locked on the latter’s face, mesmerized. Buck doesn’t just make him happy, he also makes Christopher laugh when he wants to cry and he loves him as if he was his own kid. Eddie wouldn’t have hoped for a better partner.

After a few minutes, Isabel interrupts the call, declaring that it’s time for bed. On the screen, Eddie sees his son’s face fall and his eyes fill with tears again and his heart break a little bit. Despite the long, tiring shifts, being away never got easier. He feels helpless and even think about cutting the honeymoon short for a second but once again, Buck saves the day.

“How about I tell you a bedtime story?”

Christopher’s face lights up at the offer and he nods. While the boy settles on his bed, Buck’s eyes meet Eddie’s, soft and reassuring. He smiles at him as he settles against the headboard and asks Eddie to join him with a hand gesture. He obliges instantly, his head finding his favorite spot on his husband’s chest, above his heart. Soon, Buck’s hand is on his back again, gentle and soothing, as he starts telling a story about some pirate and a treasure hunt.

As he listens to Buck’s voice, Eddie drifts in and out of sleep hugging his husband’s waist. After a while, he notices that Buck has stopped talking but he’s too tired to open his eyes. Half asleep, he lets the younger man move them in a more comfortable position on the bed before cuddling him close. He feels Buck press a kiss on his head when he nuzzles against his jawline, leaving lazy kisses every time his mouth brushes against it.

“Good night, Mr Diaz-Buckley,” Buck whispers against his hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone from both the 9-1-1 discord server and Buddie one for your support and precious help! ♥
> 
> Beta'd by [ Thisissirius ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius) and [ Mllelouise ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mllelouise/pseuds/mllelouise) , thank you so much for your work ♥
> 
> Kudos and comments always are appreciated, show me love!
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox or just yell at me!


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